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NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

Every year men and women all over the world vow to do a whole host of things that in the end we seldom follow through on. Some of the most common ones tend to be repeat offenders year after year.

Here is a list of the top eight commonly broken New Year’s resolutions:

8.   Be less stressed
7.   Spend more time with family
6.  Save money
5.  Eat healthier
4.  Travel to new places
3.  Volunteer
2.  Exercise
1.   Lose weight

I too am guilty of making resolutions each year, only to find them tucked away in my top desk drawer around June and wondering what I had been smoking over the holiday to make me come up with such ludicrous goals that I had no way of meeting.

This year is going to be different. I’ve decided I’m going to be more realistic in my resolutions. Why shoot for the moon in January only to be disappointed with myself in February?

Not this year. This year I’m narrowing my list to just three. Surely I can remember three. Also, I’m limiting the three resolutions to things I really want to do, and therefore should be easy to accomplish. That way I’ll finish something I started, and I’ll feel good about myself, having met my goals for the year. Win-win. So here goes.

My three New Year’s Resolutions for 2017:

1.    Wear more comfortable clothes.
Forget fashion. I’m 56. If no one’s impressed with my looks by now it’s just not going to happen. Besides, I found no one notices middle aged men in public. My wife didn’t notice I wore my house shoes to the mall the other day. So for 2017 I resolve to just go for comfort. If it doesn’t have a stretchy waste band, I’m tossing it. If I can’t pull a shirt on over my head in one easy motion, I’m not wearing it. No more zippers or buttons, period. Any shoes with laces are going in the Good Will pile. My shirt will be tucked in only by accident. And I will only wear dull colors- blacks, greys, and browns to show less stains in case I want to spray some Axe Deodorant and re-wear multiple days.

2.    Spend more money.
Why do I continue working 60 hour weeks, only to eventually keel over from exhaustion, leaving my money to my kids? Starting in 2017,
I resolve to spend more money. I resolve to eat out more often, especially in places where they don’t call my number or make me go pick up my food. I commit to selecting only the highest grade octane gasoline. I want new golf clubs, fitted ones. And I’ll need lessons to learn how to hit those clubs. I want a grill and a smoker, because I might need both. And ever since Trump won I’ve had a hankering for a gun. A big gun. Yep, I resolve 2017 is going to be the year of Amazon Prime.

3.    Sleep more.
For those of you who can get by on four hours of sleep a night, I say power to you. I need at least seven, and that number seems to be creeping higher every year. In 2017 I resolve to stop fighting sleep, and to quit hiding it from my friends and family. So friends, I know in the past I’ve told you I can’t go to a late movie because I had an important conference call that evening. The truth is I can’t go to a late movie because I’ll fall asleep in the middle of it. Anything that ends after 9:00 p.m. this year, just count me out. If anyone feels you absolutely have to spend time with me after dark, you might want to bring your pajamas. This year if you want to schedule a 7a.m. meeting you go right ahead and send me the minutes. This year I declare any room over 72 degrees or any cozy chair with a head rest is fair game for a quick cat nap, no matter how embarrassing my snoring might be. This year I’m going to need you to drive, and you’ll need to keep the conversation lively or I might cat nap on the way. And in 2017 if for some unfortunate reason I am unable to get my seven hours of sleep- sickness during the night, an early flight, an earthquake- I can accrue those lost hours to be made up at a time and place of my choosing.

Done. My 2017 Resolutions. Typed up in Helvetica Bold 16 Type, three copies. Once it’s typed up and copies run, its official, and it’s against the rules for anyone to mess with typed up New Year’s Resolutions. They must be allowed to run the year.

So c’mon gang, scrap those holier-than- thou resolutions that have haunted us for oh so many years, and make some 2017 resolutions that will make your year a success, or at least more bearable.

And to everyone who is kind enough to read the Good Life Newsletter, a special blessing that 2017 is the best year ever for you and your family.