It’s time for all of us to take a hot shower and try to wash off what became dirty and nasty 2016. But before we say goodbye to the most bizarre year in memory, let’s bring out the stars that made our year so memorable. We couldn’t have done it without you.
Thank you to all 17,000 Republican Presidential Candidates. You alone made 2016 the highest attended State Fair in Iowa history.
Thanks Bernie. You gave us the crazy communist uncle we never had.
And thanks Hillary. Where would the year have been without your email server and Kim Jong Un pant suits?
Thank you to Julian Assange and WikiLeaks for exposing our warts. Hopefully we can take it from here.
Thank you Anthony Weiner. There’s so much more to say but we’ll just leave it there.
Thank you so much Great Britain and Brexit for bravely pointing the way to taking our country back.
Thanks North Carolina. We hope you will eventually figure out who can urinate where.
Thanks to the cast of “Hamilton”, who graciously took the time out of their wonderful show to let everyone know how absolutely terrified they are of our incoming Administration, so terrified they were too afraid to walk the couple of blocks to vote.
But special thanks to Alexander Hamilton for promoting the Electoral College. Pure genius.
Thanks El Chapo, your prison break was one for the ages. But next time you disappear would you please take your buddy Sean Penn with you?
Thanks John Kerry, we’ll miss hearing your threats to send our enemies another strongly worded reprimand.
Thanks ISIS for reminding us what can happen when our leaders fail to lead.
Thank you Facebook and Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat, Netflix and Hulu, for continuing to provide us a smorgasbord of ways to not have to talk to one another.
Thank you to the main stream media for saving us the time and trouble and nailing your own coffin.
Thanks Brangelina. The National Enquirer will never be the same.
Thanks “Game of Thrones” for showing us how many naked people it takes to win an Emmy.
Thank you Apple for making an iPhone that doesn’t blow up.
Thanks Chicago Cubs, you finally did it. Now go back to the end of the line where you belong.
Thanks Lebron James for curing cancer. What, you bawled all over that piece of hardware because you won a game?
Thank you Colin Kaepernick for making the dumb jock stereotype relevant again.
And thanks to Ryan Lochte on your gold medal and new world record in the Sex Symbol to Moron Race at the Rio Olympics.
Thank you Arnold Palmer and Cassius Clay, Pat Summit and Craig Sager, for helping us quickly forget about Colin and Ryan and helping us remember all the good in sports. You all were really the greatest, and will be sorely missed.
A special thanks to Arnie for introducing us to the greatest drink ever.
And finally, thank you Donald J. Trump. Thank you for encouraging us to be proud to be American, and to stop apologizing for being the world’s superpower. Against all odds, and a nervous establishment from both parties you are the winner, pretty fair and fairly square, we think. Now that we’ve had a few weeks and lots of valium to digest your victory, we must say we’re pleasantly surprised, and we want you to know we’re pulling and praying for you and your apprentices to help us make America great again.
So that about wraps it up for 2016. We’ve taken a long hot shower and put on a fresh set of clothes, burning our old set along with the towel we dried off with just to be on the safe side. Our hope is that many, many years from now we can look back on this horror show of a year and quietly chuckle. Maybe if we tell ourselves that 2016 was more like a comedy, like Dumb and Dumber, or Liar-Liar, then maybe we can recapture some of our innocence, or at least our sanity.